There is no “fair share”.
Fair share is a myth.
I’ve been the “stay-at-homer” myself, and been in the same situation. It isn’t possible for the “worker” to know how much you’ve done in a day’s time unless you produce a video for him to watch. Even then, he’s tired, he’s worked 8+ hours, needs “his” time to rest, and feels since he’s the “bread-winner” and the “stay-at-homer” has been at home all day, there’s nothing for him to do but perhaps take out the trash and kill an occasional spider.

You’re tired, he’s tired.
He provides the financial support and feels in most cases that’s all he needs to do.
You keep the family knitted together by being at home caring for the kids, doing endless laundry, changing dirty butts, cooking, and cleaning.

Imagine if you were the “worker” and the roles reversed.

50/50.

Never happen.

Well shoot, something I had to just learn is frankly, there is no 50/50.
Not unless you both work part time, and part time stay home.
You both have different roles, it could not be farther from 50/50, and to hope for 50/50 is going to eventually just cause bitterness to grow between you silently blaming each other for having it easier, or whatnot.

You are the children’s primary parent. Period.
Your role surpasses a price tag or an income, let’s face it the tedious crap we do isn’t at all hard, I mean to multi task and get it all done at once certainly is, but the cleaning, and the cooking, and the baby butts, it’s just tedious work.

It’s the emotional strain staying home parents face that makes it harder.
You have to give love and affection on demand, when you want a hug, you’re 2 year old won’t stop, if you’re picking up cat dookey, you can bet you’ll have to stop to hug and kiss a boo boo.Catch my drift?
Then normally you’re expected to turn it on when your other half wants some too, but face it, most days we’re already on empty.

Then there is the second guesing. Constant. Is your method of discipline right? Did the words you use just scar your kids, what’s going through their heads? And the constant patience level, the saying the same thing time and time again, the playing pre school teacher, using love and your guidance to sing songs, cook with them, teach them simple chores, and colors and numbers….etc etc.

The extra love it takes to show those around that you care, the special desserts or treats you make, that special something they’ve asked for you pick up doing errands, cleaning and re arranging something to freshen it, or make life easier.We think about others all day, showing in so many ways our appreciation and our love, per what we do at home.

And we have these small children who don’t get it, and shouldn’t yet. So we don’t get a “good job” or a raise, or a promotion, we don’t get the feel goodiness of knowing we solved an issue, or a crisis, no one that works with us gives a good darn barney crap.And the other, who works outside the home, doesn’t understand that because they haven’t lived it.

Then there is the trade off, we give these years to the benefit of our kids, now in my case, this is all I wanted, sure many things interest me, but I see this as a temporary position, and then I can move on to other things in life, because the kids come first.But we get lonely, and we miss adult interaction, and we’re tired, and our backs are shot from picking up kids and their toys all day bending over.We feel miffy, because we don’t get to get up, get dressed, leave our home and go be a human being who adds to the society, or so it seems on the worst days.

However, all that said.
It is a two party decesion to have kids and that one parent stays home, you agree to take a small financial hit (because let’s face it, after day care, and extra driving and work lunches, you don’t bring in that much more income anyways).
But it is WORK.
And not only is it work, you’re caring for two babies that will be adults, it is the hardest work there is, it is your legacy and his, and their entire future is in your hands.It is breakable, and worth more money than any of us will ever see in our lives.

And if he’s claiming you don’t work because you stay at home, he needs to give me a call.

Though my husband has never ever said I don’t work staying at home, we’ve argued. I just feel he doesn’t understand the way it is, and I can’t understand how it is for him either, sure I’m missing out on a career and others stuff, but he’s also doing something he really doesn’t want for a career to make the money, that has to be hard.

He also feels the burden of making sure we not only have enough for bills, but retirement, savings, holidays, taxes, and we have out own business as well that offers endless issues, and
He also tries to spend time with the kids.Though his patience is different from mine due to, the fact he works with people who know what he is saying and does it, and these little monsters don’t. Haha!!

But he does help out, he’ll play with the kids while I cook, he will change a load of laundry and do cat duty when down there, he cleans up after supper many nights a week.And he helps with bathtime and bedtime.All that and in between he’s on his laptop where ever he can open it working on the home business until well past bedtime, and off and running at 4:30 the next day to do it again, in that way he has much more on his plate that I do.

I find we often have this issue when we’re lacking quality time as a couple, it’s more missing one another than actually comparing who does what, and it rears it’s head that way.

What we just did a couple weeks ago was declare a “no work” day, it’s sundays, and I do no house chores, and neither of us turn on the computer to work. We spend the day with the kids, playing games watching movies, napping and just get a breath, that’s been a saver since we started doing it.

So 50/50 Nope, never.

But if you each give 100% in your roles, that should do it.

Irregardless, bringing home the bacon isn’t enough.
Everyone has to support themselves, and often others.This is no new thing.
He’s also a Father and a Husband, both he went into willingly and he can’t forget both of those roles take work too, ask a stay at home Mom, she knows what it’s like to switch from Mommy to Wife to Crisis Control every 30 minutes, maybe he can get some tips. ;)

I understand that it is impossible to both give exactly 50% on everything. I do all the housework, as I should since I am a stay home housewife. BUT, never once has he risen out of bed in the middle of the night to even make a bottle and bring it back for me, let alone get up and care for the child himself. The other morning, I had been awake all night long (our 7 month old is teething), at 8 a.m., the baby starts crying again. I am on the couch, just go I can have a bit of peace. He gets out of bed and yells into the living room “Are you just going to lay there and let him cry all morning?!?!”. I said “Yes, as a matter of fact, I am going to lay here and let him cry until you get up and get the baby for once.” Well, I suppose them were fightin words right there. So, I was told that he has a job…he brings home money…something I fail to do. I plainly told him that whether I had a job or not, he is still a father when he comes home. Another thing I said was that he gets 2 days off each week (sometimes only one), I never get time off. The only time I have to spend alone is in the shower or, by some sweet miracle of a higher power, both the kids fall asleep at the same time (this has happened maybe 3 times). Our situation hasn’t always been for me to be home…I used to have a full-time job, and I still had to do ALL the housework AND take care of the child. I wish he would play with the kids while I cooked…there would always be something warm to eat! :)

Oh, and just to let you know, after we hashed out all the dirty details of the war I started, he did come back in and help out with the kids. Yesterday, I went so far as to just hand him the baby and disappear for a bit. I guess it just took a bit more asking on my part than just expecting him to help out. He felt really bad when I explained to him that that night was the 4th night in a row that I had been awake most of the night. And he also realized if Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy. :) AND Thank you for the good advice…it is nice to have friends that you can trust to give you straight answers and not some BS about how much he was acting like an ass. My husband is a really good man. He just needs a bit of guidance here and there, as do I…we are both young and our marriage is too. We will be guiding each other a lot more I am sure.

Awww shucks. ;)
Keep training him, and he’ll do just right! Ha!

Well I was THINKING he was being an ass, but it’s your place to tell him that…LOL

I think a bit more asking helps, make a plan, give yourself a night out, and tell him to expect it every other week or so, get coffee, go to the book store and wander and read a mag.Whatever it is you like to do, do it!

Not only will he get a taste of what it’s all about, you’ll get a much needed break, and the boys will get some great Daddy and Me time to boot!

And you two get a break from each other, as needed as a night out once in awhile.

Maybe when he was growing up his Mom was an old fashioned stay at home, My Mom is 71 and she is, to the tune she STILL waits on my 85 year old father hand and foot, to cleaning his ears, to bringing his meals and water and coffee, to mixing his darn drinks at night, he’ll call her outside while he’s in his chair raking and she’ll drop everything to bring his water outside, and never once, not ever ever complained, or complains.

I grew up with that, so I’m more apt to teach my family how to treat me, but I act like all their personal assistants, so it’s no wonder I feel like a damn maid. ;)

I’m glad you guys worked it out a bit, keep loving and talking.